The Great Midwest

There have been some misunderstandings that frequentlydevelop when Easterners and Californians cross thestates of Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri,Nebraska, Oklahoma, North & South Dakota, andWisconsin. As a result the Midwest Tourism Councilshave adopted the following recommendations, in aneffort to help outsiders understand the ruralMidwesterner's mind. The following list will be madeavailable at Roadside Rest Stops, Airports, TrainStations, and Bus Stops across the Midwestern States.

1. That slope shouldered farm boy did more work beforebreakfast than you will do all week at the gym. Please reserve your condemnation!

2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. We have a four wheel drive because we need them. Drive yours or get it out of the way.

3. We started hunting and fishing when we were five years old. Yes, we saw Bambi and we got over it.

4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get you whipped . . . by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don'tcry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.We have a name for those 13 inch Trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at that time. Can you say 'skeet'?

8. No, there's no "vegetarian special' on the menu. Order a steak and order it rare. Or, you can order theChef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Yes, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You may bring Coke into my house, but it had better be brown, wet and served over ice!

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Please be prepared, we may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yes, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle too. If you really want sushi and caviar, they are available at the bait shop.

15. They're pigs! That's what they smell like! Get used to it!

16. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday and you can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves? It's called being friendly. Please try to understand and accept the concept.

18. Yes, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the waterhazards! It spooks the fish.

19. If there is anything that you didn't like about any of these statements, then: Interstates 44, 64, 70, 80, 90, and 94 go East and West. Interstates 29, 35, 55 and 57 go North and South. Take your pick!


Ya'll come back now, hear!